Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday was the anniversary of the worst day of my life.
It's been eleven years. There are times when it feels like it's only been two days. I break down in hysteria. I cry. I get this feeling that he's there, waiting. Just take a deep breath. It will be okay.
Most of the time, it almost feels like it never happened. It feels like a dream. That couldn't have happened to me, could it? I was only nine years old. I should have been playing with Barbie's and learning how to cook.
Yesterday was a bad day. Everything was okay until someone asked me what the date was, and that was when I lost it. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to vomit. My head started spinning and my mind lost focus and I panicked. He was there, I knew it.
But he wasn't. It was just me.
When you experience something as horrific as being raped, it isn't something that you ever completely get over. It's not something that you can just write off as if it never happened. It is always with you, no matter how long it's been.
His face flashes in my nightmares. I can't count the number of times it's affected my sex life. It's like HE is the one on top of me. It takes all I can to bring myself back to reality before I scream.
He ruined me in so many ways. But he will never ruin me completely. I am stronger than that.
I wish that it had never happened. I wish I would have spoken up before it got that bad. I wish I would have said something. I wish I would have told someone after it happened, too.
But I didn't. I was nine, and I was scared. And now he is still out there. His life went on as normal, while I suffered in silence for years.
Now it's out. Now I know that I am not alone.
Now I know that I am stronger than him. Despite the panic attacks and the the dreams, I am stronger than him. I have made a life for myself. I didn't let him destroy me.
This is the accomplishment that I am most proud of.
Happy Anniversary.
Shaye, thanks for sharing your story. We need more girls around the world to speak up. To show the innate strength to move forward after such horrific events in our lives. Girls all over the world (far, far too many) share a similar story, myself included. Though it stick with you, it is NOT something that has to define you, nor your life. I'm proud of you for making the best of a really shitty situation, and moving forward as best as you can. You are strong. You are powerful. You are amazing. And no one, NO ONE can take that from you when YOU CHOOSE it.
ReplyDeleteYour comment made me cry! Posting this was really hard. It took me years to tell anyone, and when I did, a lot of the comments were negative, hateful things about how I had been the one to cause this myself. I appreciate support when I get it, and wish that everyone who goes through things like this could know that they are not alone! It took me years to realize, but when I did, it was like a huge weight had been lifted, and I was finally able to move on and become the person that I chose!
DeleteShaye. I love you. Thank you for posting this :)
ReplyDeleteShaye, l only wish we were closer so we could've had a closer relationship and I would have been there for you and I will always be there for you. NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!! I love you and you can always call me and I will help in any way I can. I am very proud of you, You are a very special young lady don't ever forget that. I love you.
ReplyDeleteAunt Janice
I love you too Aunt Janice. Thank you so much for your love and support!
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