Last night I had a dream. It is probably one of the worst dreams I have ever had.
It started and I was driving. I was lost, and I was alone. I didn't know where I was going. Then it was black.
I saw myself from above, and I was floating away. Someone had hit me, and I had died. I watched as they pulled me from the car, and pulled the white sheet over my body. As the sheet covered my face, my sight went white. All I could see was white.
A lady appeared. She told me that I had died. She then asked me a question. "Is there anything you left on earth that you would like to bring with you?"
"What do you mean?"
She said, "Some people bring a childhood toy, others bring blankets, pictures, things with sentimental value. Would you like to bring anything with you that holds some kind of value?"
"Andrew. I need Andrew."
"We can't bring another person. We cannot kill another body. But you do have an option." She was patient and kind when she spoke these words, and I could see that she knew how I was feeling.
"What are my options? I don't want to be here without him. I don't want to be without him..." I was crying. I didn't know I was crying, but I was.
"You can go down to earth, where you will stay while he lives the remainder of his life. When he moves on from the physically world, you will come with him. But there are consequences, and you need to make sure that you think this through before you make your decision."
"What consequences? I just want to be with him. That's what I want. That's all I want."
Everything went white again. And then I saw him.
I saw Andrew. He was there, and it was only him. Slowly, his surroundings became visible. We were in his room. He was crying. There was a picture of me held in his fist.
I wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him. I put my hand on his, and he jerked away. He didn't know I was there. He couldn't feel me.
I just wanted to hold him, to let him know that I was still there. Let him know that I loved him.
As the days went on, I watched his heart begin to heal. When he would cry, I would cry. I didn't want to see him hurting. I began to get frustrated. I wanted to leave. I didn't want to see him hurt anymore.
"Please! Take me back! I can't watch this anymore!"
No answer. I began to cry out of frustration. The mirror in his room broke.
I had broken the barrier.
I shaped the shattered glass into words I knew he would know as mine.
"Most Toast."
It was broken and shattered, but as he watched the shards of glass form those words, he knew. He knew I was there.
"I love you too..." He said these words in a whisper. He cried.
I woke up.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Get a Real Job
I work two jobs. I wake up every morning at 3:30 (except mornings when I snooze relentlessly, because fuck waking up that early) and head to my first job working for HP. I work full time, 40 hour weeks here. Most nights, after I get off work at HP, I head home, have an hour to burn in which I make dinner, and then I head over to my second job, where I host and bus tables. I work between 60 and 70 hour weeks. Why? Because I want to get married, and have children, and be debt free. If I work my ass off now, then I can have all these things sooner. Also I have a lot of medical bills that I'm trying to pay off on top of everything else.
Yesterday, while I was busing a table, something happened. Something that really grinds my gears.
Let me start by saying that I don't understand how some people can be such ignorant fucks. Do not make comments about someone's lifestyle or work ethic unless you know who they are, who they truly are. You may see some 40 year-old working at McDonalds and think "loser get a real job." I have been guilty of this, and will not deny it. But I do not say these things to them because I DO NOT KNOW THEM! For all I know, they could have gotten laid off from a high paying position and couldn't find work anywhere else, and are just doing what they have to so that they can support their family. I have made comments to friends before, and they are always the ones to tell me to stop being a bitch. (This is why I love my friends. They keep me in line.)
Yesterday, I really got to see what it was like to be on the other side of this. I was the one being judged for my choice in work. I learned a valuable lesson about working people, whether they are working at Microsoft, or McDonalds... At least they are working. At least they have a job.
This is what happened.
The restaurant I work at is placed in a little strip mall, and the space next to us is taken by a spa. Every once in a while, they will give massages outside, right next to where I bus tables. Yesterday, as I walked outside, there were 2 ladies at the spa, one of them was getting a massage while the other was sitting with the baby next to her.
The owner of the spa was giving the massage, gave me a smile and said, "You come get massage, too!"
He has an accent, although I'm not sure where he's from. He has always been a nice guy.
I replied, "I wish! I'm too poor right now."
This is when it happened. The girl that was sitting down opened her mouth to speak. This is what she said.
"Maybe you should get a real job."
Bitch did not just say that to me! I was infuriated. I was embarrassed. I was in shock. And what did I do? I simply smiled at her, finished busing the tables, and walked back inside.
First off, my job IS a real job. I work my ass off everyday. I am running, greeting, busing, sweating, stressing and yelling all night, trying to make sure that everything runs smoothly. I'm sure she wouldn't recognize hard work if it slapped her in the face.
Secondly, you don't know me. I work my ass off at two jobs trying to make ends meet and pay off my bills. Who the fuck are you to tell me that this isn't a real job? That I'm poor because I don't work? You don't know me!
It took me about 30 minutes to realize that I had been put in my place. That when my friends had told me to stop being a bitch, they were right. Who am I to say that some guy working at McDonalds isn't trying? I don't know him. I don't know his life, or the struggles he's going through. I was one of the ignorant assholes, and I had no idea.
This is where I apologize. To anyone who has ever worked, or had a job, whether it be fast-food, or a Fortune500 company. At least you are working. I am sorry for assuming that McDonalds was a "crappy" job. It is a job, and for that, I commend you. A working person is a working person. Never again will I ever judge someone based on where they work or what they do for a living. At least they are trying. I am sorry for being such an ignorant asshole.
For those of you out there who have never experienced this kind of judgement, I am happy for you. For those of you who throw out this judgement and assume that any job is a "lesser" job, I hope that this will open your eyes. I have experienced first hand what it is like to be judged based on where I work, and I can tell you that it made me feel like shit. Even though I knew that I work my ass off, it hurt my feelings to know that others couldn't see that. To know that others assumed that I was poor by choice, and that I wasn't trying. I am trying as hard as I can. Please don't judge me based on what you have seen of me. Please don't judge anyone based on what you see of them. You don't know what they're going through.
I am sorry. To the lady who made that comment yesterday, I hope that, somehow, you see this. So that I can say thank you for opening my eyes. Even though I still think you're a little bit of a bitch, I have seen what a bitch I was. You taught me a very valuable lesson, and for that, I am grateful.
Yesterday, while I was busing a table, something happened. Something that really grinds my gears.
Let me start by saying that I don't understand how some people can be such ignorant fucks. Do not make comments about someone's lifestyle or work ethic unless you know who they are, who they truly are. You may see some 40 year-old working at McDonalds and think "loser get a real job." I have been guilty of this, and will not deny it. But I do not say these things to them because I DO NOT KNOW THEM! For all I know, they could have gotten laid off from a high paying position and couldn't find work anywhere else, and are just doing what they have to so that they can support their family. I have made comments to friends before, and they are always the ones to tell me to stop being a bitch. (This is why I love my friends. They keep me in line.)
Yesterday, I really got to see what it was like to be on the other side of this. I was the one being judged for my choice in work. I learned a valuable lesson about working people, whether they are working at Microsoft, or McDonalds... At least they are working. At least they have a job.
This is what happened.
The restaurant I work at is placed in a little strip mall, and the space next to us is taken by a spa. Every once in a while, they will give massages outside, right next to where I bus tables. Yesterday, as I walked outside, there were 2 ladies at the spa, one of them was getting a massage while the other was sitting with the baby next to her.
The owner of the spa was giving the massage, gave me a smile and said, "You come get massage, too!"
He has an accent, although I'm not sure where he's from. He has always been a nice guy.
I replied, "I wish! I'm too poor right now."
This is when it happened. The girl that was sitting down opened her mouth to speak. This is what she said.
"Maybe you should get a real job."
Bitch did not just say that to me! I was infuriated. I was embarrassed. I was in shock. And what did I do? I simply smiled at her, finished busing the tables, and walked back inside.
First off, my job IS a real job. I work my ass off everyday. I am running, greeting, busing, sweating, stressing and yelling all night, trying to make sure that everything runs smoothly. I'm sure she wouldn't recognize hard work if it slapped her in the face.
Secondly, you don't know me. I work my ass off at two jobs trying to make ends meet and pay off my bills. Who the fuck are you to tell me that this isn't a real job? That I'm poor because I don't work? You don't know me!
It took me about 30 minutes to realize that I had been put in my place. That when my friends had told me to stop being a bitch, they were right. Who am I to say that some guy working at McDonalds isn't trying? I don't know him. I don't know his life, or the struggles he's going through. I was one of the ignorant assholes, and I had no idea.
This is where I apologize. To anyone who has ever worked, or had a job, whether it be fast-food, or a Fortune500 company. At least you are working. I am sorry for assuming that McDonalds was a "crappy" job. It is a job, and for that, I commend you. A working person is a working person. Never again will I ever judge someone based on where they work or what they do for a living. At least they are trying. I am sorry for being such an ignorant asshole.
For those of you out there who have never experienced this kind of judgement, I am happy for you. For those of you who throw out this judgement and assume that any job is a "lesser" job, I hope that this will open your eyes. I have experienced first hand what it is like to be judged based on where I work, and I can tell you that it made me feel like shit. Even though I knew that I work my ass off, it hurt my feelings to know that others couldn't see that. To know that others assumed that I was poor by choice, and that I wasn't trying. I am trying as hard as I can. Please don't judge me based on what you have seen of me. Please don't judge anyone based on what you see of them. You don't know what they're going through.
I am sorry. To the lady who made that comment yesterday, I hope that, somehow, you see this. So that I can say thank you for opening my eyes. Even though I still think you're a little bit of a bitch, I have seen what a bitch I was. You taught me a very valuable lesson, and for that, I am grateful.
Monday, September 09, 2013
Swimming for Dummies
If you don't know how to swim, or have children that need to learn, read this. I was a swim instructor and lifeguard for 3 1/2 years, and I can tell you right now that unless you are certified to teach swimming, you probably don't know half of what you need to know!
First off, if you go swimming with someone (especially children) who don't know how to swim, please properly equip them with flotation devices, preferably a life jacket. I know, I know, everyone loves the little arm floats. They're cheap, convenient, and easily fit into any beach bag. Unfortunately, these things are not safe. The minute a child raises their arms above their head and jumps in the water, those little floats pop right off! I cannot tell you the number of times I had to save children simply because of this. Please, if at all possible, put your child in a life jacket. Make sure it is properly fitted and will not slide above their head. (Most children's jackets come with one of those crotch straps. They are there for a reason!) Also, for infants, if you are putting them in a little baby tube with a seat in the middle, make sure that they can hold themselves up, and that you watch them constantly! Waves come along and those topple over extremely fast!
Now, onto swimming! First and foremost... BLOW BUBBLES! Seriously.. This is how you put your face under water without plugging your nose! Simply close your mouth and blow air out your nose! (If you are nervous about this, try it in the shower, then the sink, and finally with your entire head submerged! Taking small steps makes a big difference!)
Now, I know a big problem with swimming is that people don't know what they are supposed to do when they get tired. What if you aren't where you can reach or near the edge of a pool or a boat? Turn onto your back! This position uses less muscles than does the 'freestyle' form, and also keeps your face above the water, giving you a chance to catch your breath. You can either continue swimming on your back, or simply float for a few minutes while you obtain some more energy to continue! Don't know how to float? No problem!
Floating is much easier than most believe. A common misconception with floating is that it takes a lot of work.. Wrong! tensing yourself up is going to make you sink like a rock. The trick is to completely relax your muscles. It seems that would be counter-productive, considering you're trying to keep yourself afloat, but that's the thing about floating.. You don't have to try! When I taught the younger children (ages 3 to 6), the easiest way to explain this was to tell them to arch their back and poke their belly like Santa Claus. This relaxed their abdominal muscles and they began to float on their own! Just make sure they don't tuck their chin to look at their belly, make sure they are looking at the sky! (Sometimes I told them to look up and see if they could see Santa's reindeer floating over.. Keeping things related helped them to remember what to do a little easier!)
Swimming freestyle can be tricky, depending on how well you swim from the start. However, once you start, it's almost impossible to go back to doggy-paddle, considering how much more exhausting it is. The biggest thing I can say is to keep your legs straight! If you bend your knees while kicking, you will get nowhere. Lock your legs (not so tightly that you will pass out!) and kick from your hips! This is much like walking on tip-toe. Toes stretched, knees straight, and movement coming from your hips. Make sure to keep your back straight, and look straight down at the bottom of the pool for the best posture, which makes the 'drag' a little easier.
There is so much more to swimming and swimming safety than I could ever fit into one blog! If you struggle with swimming or would like tips/advice on other aspects of swimming, leave your questions in the comments section on this blog or on Facebook, and I would be happy to address them! Remember, safety first, wear your sunscreen, and keep watch over your children!
First off, if you go swimming with someone (especially children) who don't know how to swim, please properly equip them with flotation devices, preferably a life jacket. I know, I know, everyone loves the little arm floats. They're cheap, convenient, and easily fit into any beach bag. Unfortunately, these things are not safe. The minute a child raises their arms above their head and jumps in the water, those little floats pop right off! I cannot tell you the number of times I had to save children simply because of this. Please, if at all possible, put your child in a life jacket. Make sure it is properly fitted and will not slide above their head. (Most children's jackets come with one of those crotch straps. They are there for a reason!) Also, for infants, if you are putting them in a little baby tube with a seat in the middle, make sure that they can hold themselves up, and that you watch them constantly! Waves come along and those topple over extremely fast!
Now, onto swimming! First and foremost... BLOW BUBBLES! Seriously.. This is how you put your face under water without plugging your nose! Simply close your mouth and blow air out your nose! (If you are nervous about this, try it in the shower, then the sink, and finally with your entire head submerged! Taking small steps makes a big difference!)
Now, I know a big problem with swimming is that people don't know what they are supposed to do when they get tired. What if you aren't where you can reach or near the edge of a pool or a boat? Turn onto your back! This position uses less muscles than does the 'freestyle' form, and also keeps your face above the water, giving you a chance to catch your breath. You can either continue swimming on your back, or simply float for a few minutes while you obtain some more energy to continue! Don't know how to float? No problem!
Floating is much easier than most believe. A common misconception with floating is that it takes a lot of work.. Wrong! tensing yourself up is going to make you sink like a rock. The trick is to completely relax your muscles. It seems that would be counter-productive, considering you're trying to keep yourself afloat, but that's the thing about floating.. You don't have to try! When I taught the younger children (ages 3 to 6), the easiest way to explain this was to tell them to arch their back and poke their belly like Santa Claus. This relaxed their abdominal muscles and they began to float on their own! Just make sure they don't tuck their chin to look at their belly, make sure they are looking at the sky! (Sometimes I told them to look up and see if they could see Santa's reindeer floating over.. Keeping things related helped them to remember what to do a little easier!)
Swimming freestyle can be tricky, depending on how well you swim from the start. However, once you start, it's almost impossible to go back to doggy-paddle, considering how much more exhausting it is. The biggest thing I can say is to keep your legs straight! If you bend your knees while kicking, you will get nowhere. Lock your legs (not so tightly that you will pass out!) and kick from your hips! This is much like walking on tip-toe. Toes stretched, knees straight, and movement coming from your hips. Make sure to keep your back straight, and look straight down at the bottom of the pool for the best posture, which makes the 'drag' a little easier.
There is so much more to swimming and swimming safety than I could ever fit into one blog! If you struggle with swimming or would like tips/advice on other aspects of swimming, leave your questions in the comments section on this blog or on Facebook, and I would be happy to address them! Remember, safety first, wear your sunscreen, and keep watch over your children!
Thursday, September 05, 2013
Getting Ahead
Well guys, it's happened. For the first month in almost an entire year, I did not go into the negative after paying all my bills. I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to scream because I was so happy when I realized this.
I have been working my ass off for the past year. Between a car, medical bills, rent, insurance, utilities, and all that other fun stuff, I have been drowning. I am not a big fan of talking about this to the general public because it just isn't any of their business. I don't want to be that girl that's going "Hey! Look at me! Feel bad for me!" No. I was not gonna go there. So I quietly fought through my battles, hoping and waiting for the day to come when I wouldn't go negative.
Yesterday was that day. I have finally reached the surface, and from here I can only go up.
Now, I know I don't have it as bad as a lot of people. I don't have cancer, and I really didn't have a large amount of debt. It was less than $20,000. But when you're only 20 years old, and have rent to pay and insurance and all that other fun stuff, even $10,000 can seem overwhelming.
Every time a piece of my car broke, or I had to go to the doctor, I was drowning. I felt completely out of control of my life, and I did not know what to do. So, of course, I started looking for a second job.
I started working two jobs about 3 weeks ago. It is kicking my ass. I work between 55 and 70 hours a week. I wake up at 3:30 a.m, go to my first job, get off at 3, and start job two at 5 o'clock. It has been exhausting, but it has definitely paid off.
I am 20 years old. I am completely financially independent, and in less than one year, I will be debt free. This, friends, is the best feeling ever. I may not be in school, but at least I have some real-life experience... A hell of a lot more than a lot of people my age do. I know how to balance a checkbook (even though I don't use checks, this might come in handy one day... ha ha), I know how to set-up and cancel service. I can apply for financial aid without batting an eye, and have somehow a midst all of the chaos, figured out how to organize my bills based on the date they're due, how much is left to pay on them, and what the interest rate is. You could say I'm pretty stable.
Now, of course, I did not do this completely on my own. I had so much support from Andrew, my wonderful boyfriend. And, of course, my family helped me out a lot too! (Thanks for buying me pants so that I would have decent work clothes!) I have them to thank for all of the emotional support they gave me when I was feeling overwhelmed or wanted to give up and just ditch the bills and fly away to another country. They kept me grounded and on track, and reminded me how happy I would be when everything was finished. And boy, am I happy.
The point of this blog is to remind everyone.. It gets tough. Maybe you don't have enough to pay your bills, or your rent, or whatever it may be. I promise that, if you really want it to, it will get better. You CAN get out of the hole of debt. The best advice I can give you? Stay organized! Don't put all your bills in the same fucking pile in the corner of your room. Organize them! Even if it's just by what company they're from, organization can go a long ways when you're scrambling around trying to figure out which payment is due next. Trust me on that one!
Thank you, to everyone who has helped me get to a point where I can finally start getting ahead. And, a big thanks to myself for working for something hard enough to actually do it.. I'm pretty damn proud right now.
UPDATED 09-06-2013 6:41 A.M.
I had a lot of questions about this blog post, but I want to tackle the most common one...
"Why doesn't Andrew help pay your bills off instead of making you get a second job?"
Bitch, please! I am not some gold-digging whore who has to rely on someone else to pay off MY debt. Yes, Andrew and I are in a stable relationship, but that does not mean that my debt becomes his responsibility.
I understand that when a lot of people become married, they start to share the bills and the responsibility, and that is great for them. It just isn't how I want to do things quite yet. I take pride in being able to say that it was ME who paid off my bills. I take pride in being independent. I don't feel like I should automatically be 'off the hook' just because I'm in a relationship with someone.
So, to answer your question, Andrew doesn't pay my bills because I won't let him. On months that he helps me, he is always reimbursed as soon as I have the money. For me, that is more help than necessary, and I am just grateful for his emotional support when I am struggling.
I have been working my ass off for the past year. Between a car, medical bills, rent, insurance, utilities, and all that other fun stuff, I have been drowning. I am not a big fan of talking about this to the general public because it just isn't any of their business. I don't want to be that girl that's going "Hey! Look at me! Feel bad for me!" No. I was not gonna go there. So I quietly fought through my battles, hoping and waiting for the day to come when I wouldn't go negative.
Yesterday was that day. I have finally reached the surface, and from here I can only go up.
Now, I know I don't have it as bad as a lot of people. I don't have cancer, and I really didn't have a large amount of debt. It was less than $20,000. But when you're only 20 years old, and have rent to pay and insurance and all that other fun stuff, even $10,000 can seem overwhelming.
Every time a piece of my car broke, or I had to go to the doctor, I was drowning. I felt completely out of control of my life, and I did not know what to do. So, of course, I started looking for a second job.
I started working two jobs about 3 weeks ago. It is kicking my ass. I work between 55 and 70 hours a week. I wake up at 3:30 a.m, go to my first job, get off at 3, and start job two at 5 o'clock. It has been exhausting, but it has definitely paid off.
I am 20 years old. I am completely financially independent, and in less than one year, I will be debt free. This, friends, is the best feeling ever. I may not be in school, but at least I have some real-life experience... A hell of a lot more than a lot of people my age do. I know how to balance a checkbook (even though I don't use checks, this might come in handy one day... ha ha), I know how to set-up and cancel service. I can apply for financial aid without batting an eye, and have somehow a midst all of the chaos, figured out how to organize my bills based on the date they're due, how much is left to pay on them, and what the interest rate is. You could say I'm pretty stable.
Now, of course, I did not do this completely on my own. I had so much support from Andrew, my wonderful boyfriend. And, of course, my family helped me out a lot too! (Thanks for buying me pants so that I would have decent work clothes!) I have them to thank for all of the emotional support they gave me when I was feeling overwhelmed or wanted to give up and just ditch the bills and fly away to another country. They kept me grounded and on track, and reminded me how happy I would be when everything was finished. And boy, am I happy.
The point of this blog is to remind everyone.. It gets tough. Maybe you don't have enough to pay your bills, or your rent, or whatever it may be. I promise that, if you really want it to, it will get better. You CAN get out of the hole of debt. The best advice I can give you? Stay organized! Don't put all your bills in the same fucking pile in the corner of your room. Organize them! Even if it's just by what company they're from, organization can go a long ways when you're scrambling around trying to figure out which payment is due next. Trust me on that one!
Thank you, to everyone who has helped me get to a point where I can finally start getting ahead. And, a big thanks to myself for working for something hard enough to actually do it.. I'm pretty damn proud right now.
UPDATED 09-06-2013 6:41 A.M.
I had a lot of questions about this blog post, but I want to tackle the most common one...
"Why doesn't Andrew help pay your bills off instead of making you get a second job?"
Bitch, please! I am not some gold-digging whore who has to rely on someone else to pay off MY debt. Yes, Andrew and I are in a stable relationship, but that does not mean that my debt becomes his responsibility.
I understand that when a lot of people become married, they start to share the bills and the responsibility, and that is great for them. It just isn't how I want to do things quite yet. I take pride in being able to say that it was ME who paid off my bills. I take pride in being independent. I don't feel like I should automatically be 'off the hook' just because I'm in a relationship with someone.
So, to answer your question, Andrew doesn't pay my bills because I won't let him. On months that he helps me, he is always reimbursed as soon as I have the money. For me, that is more help than necessary, and I am just grateful for his emotional support when I am struggling.
Wednesday, September 04, 2013
Starting Something New
Sometimes, I can't help but sit around and wonder what I'm doing with my life. I'm 20 years old and have been graduated for over two years. Why in the fuck haven't I started college yet?
Oh, wait. I'm too poor for that.
Maybe I didn't go off to college with all my friends. I haven't gotten married (yet) and instead am living with my boyfriend. Definitely not the normal way of doing things in Utah. I didn't have the cookie-cutter childhood, nor did I have the 'average' family situation growing up. Considering all of the facts, I turned out pretty great given the circumstances of my life.
Now, how in the fuck did that happen?
In this blog, I am going to talk about my life. It will be serious, and it will be funny. There will be a lot of the 'fuck' work, and a good amount of me ranting about something that grinds my gears. There may occasionally be a poem or story I've written, because I love to write and sometimes you just want to share your work. This will not be a blog about anything specific. It will be about whatever I want it to be at any given time. I am going to be completely honest in this blog, from my up-bringing to how I feel about potato chips (not a big fan).
I could tell you that I write this for me, but that would be lying. I write this for the people who want to read it, and take great pride in the feedback of my readers, whether it be positive or negative. I will welcome any comments or suggestions you have, unless you are an asshole, and in that case, you can fuck off.
This is my first post in my new blog. This is me, starting something new and hoping for the best. This is me in black and white.
Oh, wait. I'm too poor for that.
Maybe I didn't go off to college with all my friends. I haven't gotten married (yet) and instead am living with my boyfriend. Definitely not the normal way of doing things in Utah. I didn't have the cookie-cutter childhood, nor did I have the 'average' family situation growing up. Considering all of the facts, I turned out pretty great given the circumstances of my life.
Now, how in the fuck did that happen?
In this blog, I am going to talk about my life. It will be serious, and it will be funny. There will be a lot of the 'fuck' work, and a good amount of me ranting about something that grinds my gears. There may occasionally be a poem or story I've written, because I love to write and sometimes you just want to share your work. This will not be a blog about anything specific. It will be about whatever I want it to be at any given time. I am going to be completely honest in this blog, from my up-bringing to how I feel about potato chips (not a big fan).
I could tell you that I write this for me, but that would be lying. I write this for the people who want to read it, and take great pride in the feedback of my readers, whether it be positive or negative. I will welcome any comments or suggestions you have, unless you are an asshole, and in that case, you can fuck off.
This is my first post in my new blog. This is me, starting something new and hoping for the best. This is me in black and white.
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