I have struggled with depression since elementary school. I know, I know. What does an eleven year old have to be depressed about? I had so many pent up feelings of despair and guilt, mostly stemming from my childhood, and I didn't know what to do with them, or how to express them. I didn't have anyone to turn to that I trusted, and I was alone.
In junior high, I resorted to cutting, struggled with suicidal thoughts, and even once tried to carry it out. This was a very dark time for me. I am lucky that I had someone who truly cared about me, and was able to see what I was going through, or I probably wouldn't be here. Thank you for that, Lindsey.
It took me years to really understand my depression, and understand why I felt the way I did. With all of the guilt I had inside me from when I was raped, to my numerous family problems, and no one to turn to, I had completely given up emotionally. Yes, on the outside, to everyone else, I was a normal teenage girl with mood swings and tantrums. To me, everything was black.
When I finally hit adulthood, and started talking to people about what I was feeling, and actually listened to what they had to say, I started to finally see the light of happiness. I had people who cared about me enough to listen, and offer sound advice on what I needed in my life. I had friends.
My next step? Finding someone who truly cared about me, and turning to them, instead of pushing them away. For me, this was Andrew. He was-and still is-, in a way, my savior. He told me I am beautiful, and for the first time, I believed him. He made me feel safe, and loved. He showed me not only love, but friendship. He made me feel like I had someone with me, instead of just 'near' me.
Even after all of this, I still struggled. Yes, I had made a lot of accomplishments at only the age of twenty. Mentally, I was more advanced than most of my peers, in the sense that I had been living on my own, paid my own bills, and was completely financially independent from my parents. I had a loving boyfriend, and my own place. I was doing good, right? This didn't fix the fact that I still felt empty. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? I wasn't in school, I wasn't doing anything. I was working to work, and working to stay alive, but I wasn't living. I wasn't growing.
When Andrew and I decided to start a family, I was terrified. I was excited, yes, but I was also scared to death that I would fuck up. I was worried that I would fail my child. I want so badly to give them a better life than what I had, and I couldn't shake the feeling that there will be times when I cannot protect them. This is something that I struggled with when we were trying to get pregnant. And then I realized something... I was right.No, I will not be able to protect my child from everything. However, I can teach them to protect themselves. I can show them a happy life, and I can show them love and undying support. I can show them that they DO have someone that will be there for them, and I can teach them that, no matter what, they will always have someone to turn to. I can raise this person to be happy, and confident. When they go through trauma, I can be the one who helps them through it. I can show them life, and love. For the first time in my life, I am doing something. I am growing this person to be a happy, successful adult. Yes, there are things I cannot protect them from. I know that I will not be holding their hand forever. I know, that at some point, I will doing something that will make me feel like I have failed as a parent. This will happen. This is normal. I know that, like me, they may struggle with depression. I know that if they do, I can be there for them. I know that I can be the person that I always needed, for my child.
I am doing something, not only for myself, but for another person. I am taking everything I have ever learned-and will continue learning-and teaching that to another human being, in hopes of giving them a better life than I could have dreamed of having. For this, I am happy.
For you, little baby, I am happy.
