The Hot Pocket and Other Things

Today I learned a very valuable lesson about Hot Pockets. They are named Hot Pocket for a reason. That reason is because they are a pocket of smoldering lava, that is going to melt you from the inside out. Those little fuckers are hot, and let me tell you, if you do not proceed with caution, you will die.

I had never had a Hot Pocket until today, and after the betrayal I suffered, I don't know if I will ever have another. I just wanted to have a quick and easy lunch. I just wanted to throw something in the microwave that would cook quickly so that I could eat. I wasn't wrong. It did cook fast. Really fucking fast. Two minutes in the microwave was all it took to heat that little fucker to the temperature of the sun. Now I have a blister on top of an already hurting canker sore. No fucking joke. Because of course that's where the Hot Pocket burned me. Little fucker.

I need to discuss snapchatting etiquette for a second. When someone sends you a god-awful hideous snapchat of themselves, you do not respond with a snapchat of you looking like a fucking super model. You don't do that. You respond with an equally horrendous snapchat of yourself. It's called having manners and you should use them.

Beards and man buns are all the rage right now. I endorse man buns to the fullest. Those things are sexy (sorry, Andrew). But oh my god, why in the fuck does every guy have to grow a fucking beard? Yes, I agree that some beards can look fine as hell, but not every guy can pull of a beard. If your mustache looks like that of a 50 year old child molester, you should not be growing one, and no beard looks good without a mustache, hence the fact that you should not grow a beard either. If you cannot grow a full and glorious beard, do not attempt to anyways. You look creepy and weird and dirty, like you enjoy having sex to the Star Wars theme or church hymns or something. Don't do it.

An end note to girls, leggings are not pants. They are not a substitute for pants and they will never be an acceptable form of pants. No one wants to see your camel toe. If you insist on wearing them, please make sure your shirt is long enough to cover your lady bits, or that you're wearing a dress or something appropriate. Please.

I apologize for the unorganized nature of this blog post, there were just a few things that I felt needed to be said. Carry on.

Depression

Alright everyone, it's time to get vulnerable.

I have suffered with various degrees of depression throughout my life. This is not something that I am ashamed of sharing with people, but it's not something that I generally scream to the world. I am a pretty social person, and I don’t really enjoy being the depressed Debbie downer of the group, and I have learned to mask most of my emotions with humor. And let’s be honest… I’m fucking hilarious. Lately, however, this has not been the case.

I have fallen into one of the deepest depressions I have ever been in.

This was something that was really hard for me to come to terms with. I had overcome my depression for over a year, and after having Brinlee, it hit me really hard. It made me feel weak. I didn’t want to be the stereotypical suffering mom that has postpartum depression. I wanted to be strong and happy and I wanted everyone to see how amazing I was at being a mom.

Since coming back to work, I have cried in the bathroom every single day. I miss my baby. I want to be home with her. I chalked all of my feelings up to that and moved on. This weekend was when it really hit me how bad my depression is.

Andrew’s sister came to town. This is a visit we have been looking forward to for months, as it was the first time she got to meet Brinlee. As the weekend creeped closer, I cried at work because I wanted to be home with Brinlee. When I got home with Brinlee, I cried because I felt like I’m never with her enough. When we were with Andrew’s family, all I wanted to do was go home and be alone. I wanted to curl up in a ball, and cry myself to sleep, and then stay that way for days and days. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see his sister, I just didn’t want to see anyone. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be alone and I cried because that made me feel like a bad mom.

Every night, I lay awake and think about all the ways I’m screwing up as a parent. Should I really have had that margarita? Should I really be carpooling? I get home so much later when I do. Should I have changed her diaper sooner? Should I have let her cry for as long as I did?

I know that I am being irrational. It’s not that I don’t know that I’m depressed or that these thoughts are ridiculous, I just don’t know how to fight them. I am trying so hard to do what’s best, but it feels like no matter what I’m choosing, I’m still going to choose wrong.

This post is embarrassing for me to write. It is hard to write out my feelings for everyone to read. It is hard for me to admit that I’m having such a hard time. The only reason I am is because no one else will. I know that there are other moms that suffer this, because they’ve told me so. The problem is that it’s only brought up during private conversation. Yes, it’s embarrassing and I feel ashamed, but I don’t want others to feel the same way. This is a common problem, with some suffering worse than others, so if anyone reading this has depression, please don’t be ashamed or feel alone because you aren’t the only one.

I know that with time I will feel better. I know that soon I will be able to go back home and stay there, instead of coming into work every day. I just hope that this post will help someone else. The worst part is feeling so alone. 

The Dating Game

1-Dating. 

2-Relationship. 

3-Marriage/Long-term committed relationship.

This is the 3 step process to finding your soul-mate/your better half/your SO/your future ex husband/wife. Yes, some people choose to abstain from marriage for reasons of their own, and that's okay, and why I included that option next to Marriage.

Now, let's break down these steps, shall we?

1-Dating.

This step, in my opinion, is the most important. It is not to be taken lightly. This is where two people get to know each other. You find each other’s interests, favorite things, like and dislikes, and your level of attraction for the other person-physically and emotionally (these go hand-in-hand, more on that in a second).

Dating is not a relationship. Dating is going on dates. Dating is when you are free to go on as many dates with as many people as you desire, no consequence. Dating is the narrowing down of potential husbands and wives. Dating is not only about seeking someone out, it is also about finding yourself. What do I want to be in a relationship? What traits do I have that can be highlighted and admired, or that need to be worked on? How can I be the best person I can be in a relationship?

So many people take this step lightly. They go on one date, with one person, and jump right to step 2. This is bad. When you bake a cake, you don’t cut out half of the ingredients to make the assembly time faster. YOU DON’T FUCKING DO THAT. STOP DOING THAT. WHY IN THE FUCK DO PEOPLE DO THIS? It seems that, in Utah anyways, people think that one or two dates is enough to know a person enough that you would like to be in a relationship with them. Why? Do you know their favorite color? What about their middle name? Their religion, hometown, likes, dislikes, allergies? Why can’t we just slow down? Take your time. It’s ok to be seeing the same person for a few months without being in a relationship with them. It’s NORMAL.

There are so many things that make up a person, and you cannot know someone after spending only a few hours with them, and having a few text conversations. It takes time to know someone, and that’s ok. Slow down, find out about this person. It’s ok to be infatuated. That does not mean you have to be exclusive.

2-Relationship.

This one is a doozy. A relationship consists of so many things. You need to know the person, you need to be attracted to this person emotionally. If you are attracted to them, you will physically want them. You will want to kiss them and touch them and be with them and you will probably want to fuck them, too. It’s okay to want to have sex with someone outside of marriage. I don’t care if you’re Mormon and want a temple wedding, or if you took the vow of abstinence when you were a naïve child who didn’t know what they were doing. You should still at least WANT to do them.

When you are in a relationship with someone, you should know them. Not necessarily everything about them, because that would get boring. I’ve been in a relationship for almost three years and had a baby with this guy, and I still find things out about him on a weekly-if not daily-basis. That’s ok. What matters is that I knew the important things before we were exclusive.

Now, the relationship is important because it works you up to marriage. This is yet another step that people rush way too much. Oh, we’ve been dating for three months? LET’S GET MARRIED.

NO. FUCKING NO. STOP.

This is the time when you need to just shut the fuck up and find some common sense, okay? Marriage is a serious thing. It is not ‘just a piece of paper,’ as some like to think. It is a commitment, and unless you have been with someone long enough to know them, truly know them, you should not be making this commitment.

So you told yourself you’d wait until marriage, but you want to have sex. Don’t fucking get married to have sex. Either wait it out, or just fucking do it, and get married later, and wait a year for your temple sealing. That is not something to be ashamed of. Honestly, sexual incompatibility can cause some serious problems in a relationship. In my opinion, it is better to know you’re compatible on every level BEFORE marriage, than to hurry and get married to have sex, just to prove that you could wait until you got married.

I don’t think you know someone well enough to marry them after only one year. I know that there are exceptions to this, but honestly, people change so much. I am not the same person I was when I met Andrew. You know what? I’m glad I’m not. We have grown together and he has stuck with me, and grown along with me. I know that we can make it through anything because we can grow together. When you marry someone after only one year, there’s a good chance they haven’t changed much. What happens when, two or three or five years down the road, you think to yourself, ‘that isn’t the person I married.’ You panic. That’s what happens. Give your relationship time to change and grow and see where you are. When you can change and survive, maybe then it’s a good time. Just stop rushing it. If you are going to be together forever, you will be, whether you get married after one year or ten years. So why rush it? Just be in a relationship. Know each other. Spend enough time together to know that you aren’t going to stab each other for hanging the towels up wrong, or making the bed a certain way.

3-Marriage.

I feel like marriage is so completely misunderstood. So many people think that marriage is simply for two people who love each other, and I don’t believe this is true. Marriage is for two people who love each other, who also support/adore/admire/have respect for/have attraction for/trust each other. There are so many different aspects of a marriage that need to be considered. You need to be able to play and fight and hate each other while loving each other. You need to be able to communicate about EVERYTHING.

Marriage is a commitment that is so often taken lightly. People jump to divorce at the first sign of trouble. It isn’t that I don’t believe in divorce, I just feel that so many people give up too easily. They say, “That isn’t the person I married.” Of course it’s not. People change and grow, the trick is changing and growing along with them (thus the importance of long-term relationships before marriage). And yes, sometimes people change for the worst. I am not saying that every marriage can be worked through. I do think that most of them can be, though, if people would start taking them seriously.

It is okay to fight. It is okay to hate each other every once in a while. It is okay to be annoyed and angry and upset, and it’s ok to not want to talk to your spouse every once in a while. It’s HEALTHY. Fighting means that you still care. It means that you are both so passionate about whatever the subject that you want to come to a compromise or conclusion. You just have to learn to fight in a healthy way. Stop screaming at each other. Give yourself a day to calm down and talk that shit out. You’d be surprised at how quickly problems can be resolved when they aren’t being resolved in an angry manner.

Now, I know I’ve never been married, and I’m nowhere near close to being a relationship expert, but I have been in a relationship for almost three years while most of my friends can’t make it through the first year. We have a house and a child together. We have gone through so much. We have been through emotional pain, we’ve been through the loss of a friend, we’ve been through money problems and we’ve been through a pregnancy from hell. We became parents together, and when neither one of us knew what the fuck we were doing, we went to each other. So no, I may not be married, but I may as well be. I worked my ass off to be the person that I knew I could be, because Andrew was worth that. I wanted to be my best person for him, because my relationship is worth that much. I can be a good person without him, but he makes me want to be more than that. We took the time to get to know each other before we jumped into a relationship. We dated. We took things slow (seriously Andrew, that first kiss took a really long time). Now, can you just put a ring on it already?? ;)