Most of you know that my biggest struggle in life has been depression. I have fought it, conquered it, only to have it rebound with a force so strong that it knocks me off of my feet-literally. It comes out of nowhere, and I can go from happy and 'me', to kneeling on the ground sobbing.
These past few months, it has been back with a vengeance. Some of it stems from my current life stage, but a very large part of it is because I have chronic depression. There is no reason. It resides inside my soul and pounces at any chance it gets.
I can handle the chronic depression. I do not like anti-depressants, because they make me robotic. I feel nothing when I am on them. I cannot love anyone or anything, including myself. I'm not sad, but I'm also not happy. That, to me, is not living. I have tried so many different kinds, only to be met with the same ending. So, for now, I trudge along, waiting for my depression to subside just enough to let me know that I will get through this.
I have experienced so many emotions these past few months. I have been fighting for my daughter. I have been working 80 hours a week, with one day off a month (if I'm lucky). I have experienced a ridiculous amount of heartbreak. I fell in love, only to be bombarded with a heartbreak so strong that it threw me into a mental breakdown. Most of you witnessed this through a slew of pathetic Facebook posts, and calls and texts from me at strange hours wondering what the hell I'm doing.
I am finally on the recovery end of things. I am still struggling financially, but am slowly catching up. I am on the verge of getting my custody paperwork finished. I am finding myself. I am realizing that, even though I got my heart broken, it has taught me to take some time for myself. I don't want to go on dates, I don't want to be in a relationship, and I don't want someone else in my life right now. Right now, I'm just being me. I'm figuring myself out. After three years in a relationship, I got lost. It was always 'us' and 'we' and never just 'me'. So now, as I struggle and fight, I also grow.
I learn new things about myself every day. I am learning that I am stronger than my current situation, even if at times, I feel like the world is crumbling around me. I have learned that the only person I need to survive is Brinlee. I am learning that I am a messier person than I realized and you know what? That's okay. I am learning that I have a tendency towards mood swings so violent that I don't even see them coming. I'm also learning how to handle them.
So, even though I am struggling emotionally, I am still growing. I am taking this experience, and I am fighting for my life. I am overcoming every single day, and every morning I am waking up and I am going about my day. I am taking care of my daughter in the best way possible, and even if I wish I could do more for her, I know that I am keeping a roof over her head and food in her belly. I know that one day she will respect the hell I fought through to make sure she was taken care of. I will overcome this.
I am living.
