When I was pregnant, I swear it lasted for approximately 10 years. Yes, I was excited to be pregnant, and so excited to have a baby after being told I never would. But oh, my god. I thought it was never going to end. Pregnancy was miserable. Between throwing up so much I lost 25 pounds, to the never-ending gas and adult acne, I thought I was going to die before that baby popped out of me. And then there she was..jpg)
I will never forget the moment Brinlee was born. After 26 hours of labor, I opened my eyes after pushing, took a deep breath for the first time in months, and realized that my baby was here. I couldn't see her yet. She was being held at a low enough level that the table was blocking me from seeing her. But I could see it in Andrew's eyes. I could feel it in my body.. I WASN'T PREGNANT ANYMORE! I wasn't nauseous, and I didn't hurt. Everything was good. And then I saw her..Seeing Brinlee for the first time was the most amazingly overwhelming thing I could have ever imagined. I thought I knew the love I had for her when I was pregnant. I never imagined that I could love her even more. Then I did.
She was two and a half months old when I came back to work. She was still so tiny. She has just started smiling so big. She was still so snugly when I held her, no matter what time of day it was. She still sucked on her binky like it would disappear at any second. She was teething like a motherfucker. She was so small.
Coming back to work was the hardest thing I've ever done. I came back to work and stopped breastfeeding the same week. The guild that racked me was so overwhelming. I felt like the worst mother. I was leaving my child. I was going back to work, and letting someone else raise my baby. What am I doing? These thought still cross my mind on a daily basis, although their presence has become less overwhelming. Everyday, I come home to a baby that's bigger than she was when I left that morning. She's making new sounds and faces. She's growing, and I'm missing it. What am I doing?
I got home from work yesterday, and she sat up, grabbed a book, and propped it in front of herself to make it look like she was reading it. All of a sudden, it hit me how big she had become while I was at work all these months. She went from being at tiny little snugly baby, so a giant, independent, sassy giant baby. She went from 60th percentile to 80th. She went from still fitting in newborn clothes, to outgrowing even some of her 6-9 month clothes. Where did my baby go?
Andrew and I had a long discussion before I came back to work on what was best for our family. We decided that, in the end, we would rather be financially stable, and able to provide for her, than be struggling, paycheck to paycheck, barely able to make ends meet. It has been a blessing on quite a few occasions to have two incomes. During the month of December, there was a point where we had $20 to our name, which immediately went to formula. We've had our share of unexpected expenses, from ER trips, to flat tires, to a flooded kitchen. When those things happen, I know that I did the right thing by coming back to work. How would we have been able to afford those things if I hadn't? How would we have made it by?Then I see my baby. My six month old. She has gotten so big. There is someone else with her all day, teaching her to sit up and reading to her and feeding her. Someone else is there when she wakes up from her nap. Someone else is watching her grow. Does she miss me? I feel like there are so many vital milestones that I am missing by being away at work for 10-11 hours every day. Am I doing what's best for her by not being there?
There is a large part of me that knows that what I'm doing is best. It would be so much easier if she would stop getting so big! Where is my baby?
