An Issue..

There is something that I need to address.

If you read my last blog post, you will know that it was pretty intense. I talked about when I was raped.

There was so much support from my readers. Some of you posted it in the comments, and many of you sent me personal messages. You guys showed me so much support, and I just want to say thank you.

What I expected, and definitely received, was a lot of negative feedback, some of which was from the people who are supposed to be my 'true' friends. I really learned the true nature of those I have surrounded myself with, and I am glad that I am able to rid myself of them now.

There was a reason it took me so long to talk about this. There are people in my life who have known for years now about what happened, and others who just found out the other day. It took me so long to be able to write that blog and post it, because I knew what people would say. They would call me a liar, a slut, and say it was my own damn fault.

What they don't understand when they say these things is that I was a child. I was 9 years old when I was 'ruined', as some of you like to put it. When you are that young, you aren't supposed to experience that kind of trauma. You simply don't have the mental capacity to know what to do about it.

I was terrified.

To everyone who said such hurtful things, I would like to say Fuck You.

To those of you who say it was my own fault, maybe it was. I could have told someone sooner. Unfortunately, I didn't have adults in my life that I felt I could trust. I was a child, and I was scared. I had no one.

To those of you who think I am ruined, I am only more whole. I have bounced back from something so traumatic and made something of myself. I'd love to see you do the same

To those of you who call me a liar, fine. Don't believe me. It's not my concern if you do. But understand that it's people like you that make children like I was scared to tell someone. You are the ones who show people that if something bad happens to them, they should keep quiet, because you choose to believe that we are all liars. We are not liars, and it takes a lot of courage to tell people about what happened. I'm not scared of you, or what you think, or what you believe. You don't own me.

To everyone in my life who has asked me why I didn't press charged, I will tell you. He was a cop at a prison. I don't know if he still is, but he was at the time of the rape. Even when I was ready to come out and tell people, I knew that he would never be charged. I would be forced to testify and relive every grimy detail in front of strangers, only to be let down. And now, when I'm ready to tell my story, the statute of limitations is over. He is free.

I want everyone who has bashed me, called me names, and thrown dirt in my face to know that I am stronger than you. I know the truth, I know what happened, and I know that I have so many people who love and support me. You cannot break me, no matter how hard you try. And when you do try, I will laugh in your face.

I am stronger than you.

An Anniversary

Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday was the anniversary of the worst day of my life.

It's been eleven years. There are times when it feels like it's only been two days. I break down in hysteria. I cry. I get this feeling that he's there, waiting. Just take a deep breath. It will be okay.

Most of the time, it almost feels like it never happened. It feels like a dream. That couldn't have happened to me, could it? I was only nine years old. I should have been playing with Barbie's and learning how to cook.

Yesterday was a bad day. Everything was okay until someone asked me what the date was, and that was when I lost it. I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to vomit. My head started spinning and my mind lost focus and I panicked. He was there, I knew it.

But he wasn't. It was just me.

When you experience something as horrific as being raped, it isn't something that you ever completely get over. It's not something that you can just write off as if it never happened. It is always with you, no matter how long it's been.

His face flashes in my nightmares. I can't count the number of times it's affected my sex life. It's like HE is the one on top of me. It takes all I can to bring myself back to reality before I scream.

He ruined me in so many ways. But he will never ruin me completely. I am stronger than that.

I wish that it had never happened. I wish I would have spoken up before it got that bad. I wish I would have said something. I wish I would have told someone after it happened, too.

But I didn't. I was nine, and I was scared. And now he is still out there. His life went on as normal, while I suffered in silence for years.

Now it's out. Now I know that I am not alone.

Now I know that I am stronger than him. Despite the panic attacks and the the dreams, I am stronger than him. I have made a life for myself. I didn't let him destroy me.

This is the accomplishment that I am most proud of.

Happy Anniversary.